In my life so far, I had my fair share of grief. Losing some one dear is what caused a hole in my heart every time. That feeling, crumbles me to do nothing else than to fall on the floor crying. Thinking I will die from pain.
Besides the hole in my heart, losing some one who loves you, leaves a hole in your soul. Love is a 2 way street.
Loved ones will die at some point. Maybe to a nasty decease, maybe a truck, some times just because of old age, being worn out by time. Hardly anybody dies at the end of their life it seems. Most of them go at when we least expected it. Death does not care about your schedule or to our perception of the conditions somebody should die.
Death just strikes, never fair, always unmerciful. What is left behind is emptiness. I gasped the whole ‘why did he die?’ too many times as a part of physics. Like finding an equation that would predict and define the outcomes of death. My mind’s hunger for logic and reason was forcing to find an answer.
There are no answers to be found. Most people just die..
It does not matter how old you are, the hole of emptiness remains. I did not find a shortcut though these emotional events. It just hurts. I tried filling the hole with all kind of substances, wine, junk food. It did not help. Only to find myself again and again on the floor crying, digging a hole for my own pity self.
In the last episode of the series where somebody I loved died, I changed the protocol. I still cried, breath was taken and panic took over, do not get me wrong. Those feelings are inescapable. The change was, I leveraged love. The hole left by the parting person, I filled with the love, hugs, attention, cups of tea I got from friends.
This time I allowed others to see my grief. I was amazed, how many were willing to pick me up of this floor. To put me in a comfortable chair and listened to my sadness.
Their warm and kinds words smoothed, brought me on my knees from pure gratitude.
On some moments I might have forgotten what the conversation was about, all I could think of was the warmth and joy I found in the present. Their smiles I will remember for as long as I live. Or as long as my memory allows me to.
Losing a loved one is painfully hard. Being able to share that, talk about in the presence of friends, it fills the void in your heart and soul. You might end up with stronger loving connections.
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